Does time slow down during math class?

Written Sep 30, 2016

Humans are not aware (by design) of the dark planet which occupies an eccentric orbit between Earth and Mars.


We have followed your development for many of your years, particularly in the field of mathematics (the language of our universe), and also the other sciences – especially physics.

We were pleased to note the progress in Mathematics made by the Babylonians, Greeks, Egyptians and others. Our discussions with al-Khwarizmi helped speed the development and understanding of algebra. However, we were somewhat disturbed by the tendencies shown by Newton and Liebniz, as the capabilities they developed indicated the likelihood of our discovery. And that rascal Einstein was particularly troublesome. Fortunately, our introduction of discussions regarding string theory (and particularly multiple dimensions) has served to obfuscate your understanding.

Our leaders therefore determined to further confuse and hinder our earthly brothers and sisters efforts to use mathematics to understand the universe around them. Our weapon, which has been extremely successful, we referred to as “New Math”.


Unfortunately, the portal we chose, a blue box (within what you refer to as “Great Britain”), was detected. Fortunately, the public relations campaign we initiated to mask the real intentions of the portal was successful beyond our wildest dreams – the Tardis is now regarded as a fictional prop.

The concept behind New Math was simple – a virus was implanted in the minds of mathematics teachers. When New Math is taught to students, the virus is replicated within the students. An unanticipated side effect of the New Math virus is that, while attempting to learn the principles of mathematics, the perception of time is retarded.

As a result of the overwhelming success of the New Math virus, our leaders have authorized the deployment of a new weapon – “Common Core Standards”.